Celebrity Confusion: A Comedy of Errors

Behind the Scenes The Struggles of a Culture Writer with Celebrity Face Blindness

Confessions of a Face-Blind Culture Writer

Oh, the woes of celebrity confusion! It’s a predicament that even the most seasoned pop culture enthusiasts can find themselves entangled in. Allow me to paint a picture for you, my fellow Fashionistas, using a memorable scene from ABC’s Abbott Elementary. Our beloved Ms. Howard, a teacher of a certain age, found herself in a sticky situation when she mixed up two celebrities while discussing the next Spiderman. “I hope they go with that Mr. Brian Austin Green,” she exclaimed, only to be met with puzzled looks from her colleagues. Ah, Ms. Howard, we’ve all been there.

Now, let me confess something to you: I, too, suffer from this celebrity maze of confusion. And let me tell you, dear readers, it’s a wild ride. As a twenty-five-year-old culture writer, it’s my duty to have a vast knowledge of the who’s who in Hollywood. When Liam Gallagher’s new tour is on the agenda, I’m expected to know him from Adam and have a well-formed opinion. When my friends receive a notification about Paul Mescal’s latest film, I’m their go-to source for insider information. But here’s the kicker: I often find myself furiously typing “paul mescal who” into Google, like a frantic detective on the trail of a elusive suspect.

Step into my mind, won’t you? You may know Topher Grace as that guy from That 70s Show or the recently-canceled sitcom Home Economics. But in my world, he’s more than just that. He’s also Spiderman. No, not because he’s played the iconic superhero, but because he appeared in Spiderman-3 alongside Tobey McGuire, who actually is Spiderman. And let’s not even get started on telling them apart in a picture. It’s like deciphering identical twins, or as I like to call them, “Tophey.”

And speaking of confusion, let’s discuss my personal saga with Al Pacino and Robert DeNiro. I won’t pretend to be the only one who has mixed up these legends, but I may be the only one who has ever mistaken a young DeNiro for Grey’s Anatomy star, Patrick Dempsey. Is it simply a matter of similar names, you ask? Well, my friend, it goes deeper than that. Just last week, I found myself convinced that Martin Scorsese was none other than Al Pacino himself, during his brief appearance in Killers of the Flower Moon. And don’t even get me started on Martin Short and Steve Martin, the masters of interchangeability, or the uncanny resemblance of Jennifer Garner to Hilary Swank.

Now, don’t go running to my boss just yet. I do have knowledge of some celebrities, and even favorites among them. But the sad truth is, I’ll never know them all. How could I? According to Vice, there are at least a mind-boggling 28,000 famous people in the world. That’s right, folks—28,000! How can they all possibly be famous, let alone recognizable? It’s a daunting task to keep up with the “creatives” of my generation on TikTok, let alone the so-called Hollywood legends, both alive and deceased. It’s like playing an endless game of Celeb Whac-A-Mole.

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But let me pose a question, dear readers: Is this celebrity obsession gone too far? Do we really need to know every detail of Taylor Swift’s love life, which team her current beau plays for, and why her fans believe they are cosmically aligned? Perhaps we’ve wandered off the path of reason when we start memorizing Harry Styles’ zodiac sign (it’s Aquarius, by the way). As much as I, too, am captivated by these intriguing details, maybe we, myself included, could benefit from knowing a little less about each other.

In my quest to understand this celebrity haze that surrounds me, I’ve explored various theories. Could it be prosopagnosia, the neurological condition where faces become an enigma? Alas, that explanation doesn’t quite fit, as I do recognize some faces (thankfully!). Maybe it’s a testament to my mental toughness, a mental gymnastics routine that others cannot master.

But wait, hold your breath, for I have stumbled upon an alluring diagnosis: “Celebrity Worship Syndrome.” Picture it—a disorder characterized by an obsessive fascination and preoccupation with celebrities. Sounds exciting, right? Delving into this tantalizing theory, I sought the opinions of experts to shed light on my celebrity amnesia.

David Giles, a psychology professor, brought me back to reality. Apparently, “Celebrity Worship Syndrome” is merely a term thrown around by the media (oops, that would be me!). According to him, it lacks any clinical basis. As for the frenzied claims of “obsessive fascination,” Giles explained that these tendencies might be better understood as parasocial relationships. Yes, my friends, those one-sided connections we form with famous figures who have no idea of our existence. Even then, the average person is unlikely to exhibit the aforementioned “obsessive” behavior.

Dr. Gayle Stever, another psychology professor, echoed Giles’ sentiments. She delved into extensive research on fandoms (a journey that started in the ’80s, mind you), only to find that true obsession in the clinical sense was a rarity. Yes, even the fans of Michael Jackson, Paul McCartney, Bruce Springsteen, Madonna, Prince, George Michael, and Star Trek were relatively chill. Of course, this was all before the internet bombarded our lives with an unending stream of celebrity news and gossip.

So, my fellow Fashionistas, we may not be at risk of complete societal downfall due to our celebrity fascination. However, there’s something amiss, isn’t there? Surely, camping out at Jack Antonoff’s wedding can’t be a testament to our sanity. And let’s not even discuss the absurdity of sending death threats to celebrities in the name of fandom. It’s bonkers, ladies and gentlemen, simply bonkers.

But fear not! We have a choice in how we engage with the glamorous world of fame and fortune. We can dare to be different, step away from the obsessive path, and embrace a more balanced approach. So, my friends, if you find yourself face-to-face with the guy from the thing, feel free to forget his name and say “Brian Austin Green” instead of “Brian Tyree Henry.” Embrace the beauty of not knowing it all. After all, as bedtime approaches and your head hits the pillow, do you really want to spend those precious moments pondering the identity of someone who’s ultimately a stranger to you?

And with that, my lovelies, let’s bid adieu to this whirlwind of celebrity confusion. Let’s appreciate the moments when we don’t know someone, the freedom it brings, and the opportunity to focus on what truly matters in our own lives. As we navigate the intricate tapestry of fame and fashion, let’s strive for a healthy balance between curiosity and self-awareness.

Remember, my dear readers, that the world of celebrity is vast and ever-changing. It’s a carnival of faces, names, and stories, ready to pull us into its enchanting web. Let’s enjoy the ride, but not lose ourselves in the process. Together, we can find solace in the knowledge that even the most astute among us stumble through this hilarious maze of celebrity confusion. Now, go forth and embrace the magic of not knowing!

P.S. You can always count on me to be your guide through the wild world of fashion and entertainment. If you ever find yourself in need of a friendly nudge in the right direction, I’m here for you. Together, we’ll navigate this glamorous jungle with humor and style. Stay fabulous, darlings!

Image: Getty Images

Bria McNeal

Associate Staff Writer

Bria McNeal is a Manhattan-based journalist patiently awaiting B5’s revival. When she’s not writing about all things entertainment, you can find her watching TV or attempting a DIY project (often simultaneously). Her work has appeared in NYLON, Refinery29, HotSamples, and her personal newsletter, StirCrazy.