Legal Maneuvers Galore! Lawyers Playing High Stakes Chess in Trump’s Georgia Co-Defendants’ Case

Attorneys for Select Co-Defendants of Trump in Georgia Attempt to Win Big with Shoot the Moon Strategy

<!–

Are Georgia’s Defense Lawyers Casting a Fashionable Fishing Line? Oh, how the defense lawyers for the defendants in Georgia have decided to cast their long rods, like confident anglers on a sunny day at the fashionably luxurious Trump Tower Lake. What bait are they using, you ask? Well, it seems they’ve chosen the controversial “2020 Election Lure.”

The Washington Post reports that two of Trump’s remaining 14 co-defendants in Georgia are taking a novel approach to their defense. Rather than sticking with the usual legal maneuvers, they’re claiming that the 2020 election was indeed stolen. Quite a bold move, I must say. It’s like sporting a neon feathered hat at a black-tie affair—they’re certainly making a statement.

During a court hearing, one of the defendant’s lawyers, Harrison Floyd, argued that their client is entitled to thousands of pages of election records. And why, you may ask? Well, the defense claims they have the right to rebut the prosecutors’ claim that Trump lost the election. They want access to the same material that election conspiracy theorists have been clamoring for: cast-vote records, ballot reports, absentee ballot envelopes—the whole shebang. Talk about a Russian trawler-style fishing expedition!

But let’s face it, even the judge must know that biting on this line would be quite the catch. However, I have no doubt that there are radio hosts and obscure YouTube pundits who would buy the bait hook, line, and sinker. They’re the kind of folks who still believe in Santa Claus and think the tooth fairy lives in their fireplace.

• A Hilarious Guide to the Most Luxurious Mattresses
• Spark Up Your TV Experience with These Steamy Shows
• The Ultimate Guide to White Sneakers: Finding Your Sole Mate

Meanwhile, in Colombia, they’ve got a hippo-sized problem on their hands. These hippos, the cherished legacy of the late Pablo Escobar, have multiplied to such an extent that the authorities have declared them to be an invasive species. It’s as if Jurassic Park’s Ian Malcolm’s words—“Life…breaks out”—have come to life right in front of our eyes. And let me tell you, bringing a hippo across the globe is certainly no easy feat. These majestic creatures are the apex of invasive species. They’re not like kudzu, starlings, or Japanese knotweed. They’re more like the king of the animal kingdom, strutting their stuff and making themselves at home in rivers and marshes.

Back in 1910, politicians in the United States came up with a brilliant idea to solve the invasive species problem and the meat shortage—filling the Mississippi with hippos. Yep, you heard that right. They proposed turning the river into a lake-cow bacon paradise. Thankfully, the proposal failed, and the St. Louis Cardinals can continue playing baseball without fearing for their lives in the parking lot.

Now, let’s shift our attention to Capitol Hill, where House Republicans are hailing their new leader as someone who can take on Chuck Schumer in a game of hardball. But let’s be real—Speaker Johnson barely has a sand-spit to stand on amidst the flood of craziness in the House. But, hey, at least he’s impressing his colleagues with his mysterious and enigmatic persona. It’s almost as if he knows Schumer better than Schumer knows himself. But all this tough talk means nothing if Johnson can’t deliver anything more than DOA bills. It’s like giving a kindergartener a foam sword and calling them a knight. Nice try, but it’s not fooling anyone.

And speaking of fooling people, it turns out we have a lot to learn from the ancient Etruscans. Recently, a tomb buried in the Osteria Necropolis in Vulci, Italy was unveiled, revealing a treasure trove of long-lost artifacts. From wine jars to utensils and even a bronze cauldron, these items were found in perfect condition, showcasing the ancient Etruscans’ craftsmanship. I’m not saying my cups in the sink are unworthy, but I can’t help but feel a touch of embarrassment next to these magnificent artifacts.

Last but not least, let’s dive into some dinosaur news because, well, every day is a good day for dino-rrific discoveries! Paleontologists have unearthed the remains of a previously unknown mosasaur in North Dakota. This formidable creature, named Jormungandr walhallaensis, brings to mind the ancient Norse myth of the Midgard Serpent. Measuring a whopping 24 feet long, this underwater beast was like a Komodo dragon on steroids, with flippers and a shark tail to boot. Now that’s a fashion statement nature intended.

Well, it’s time to wrap this up, my fashionable friends. I’ll leave you with one piece of advice—stay above the snakeline, wear your masks, and take the damn shots. Oh, and spare a thought for those hippos in Colombia, who are probably brainstorming ways to launch their own fashion line. As for me, I’ll be back on Monday, keeping an eye on the House of Representatives as it continues on its journey to becoming a Chuck E. Cheese ball-pit. Stay fabulous, ya bastids!

Editor’s Note: Oh, and guess what? It’s Governor Michael Dukakis’ 90th birthday today! Let’s all raise a glass of wine—preferably not from those ancient Etruscan jars—and toast to one of the most honorable and decent men in politics. Happy birthday, Governor Dukakis!