Texas residents seeking abortions denied by their state are now traveling to New Mexico.

Texas residents seeking abortions denied by their state are now traveling to New Mexico.

The Crazy Adventures of Cochran County and North Carolina’s Secret Police Force

Ah, Texas, the land of cowboys, barbecues, and now, the land of roadblocks! You see, in Cochran County, some officials are fed up with citizens using their roads to travel to New Mexico for abortions. So, they decided to impose penalties on people knowingly transporting these “abortion traffickers.” But fear not, dear readers, because the mothers themselves are not subject to prosecution or penalty – it’s only the drivers of the abortion getaway cars who are in hot water. Phew, what a relief! Move over sanctuary city ordinance, Cochran County is here to save the day with its very own travel ordinance. And who needs constitutional rights when you’ve got fewer than 500 residents in a town like Whiteface, Texas? They clearly know what’s best for all 30 million Texans!

Meanwhile, in the great state of North Carolina, Republicans are taking “protect and serve” to a whole new level with their very own secret police force. Yes, you heard that right! Democrats are calling it a “secret police force,” but doesn’t it sound kind of intriguing? I mean, who wouldn’t want a team of undercover agents snooping around their home, looking for documents without a warrant? It’s like a real-life spy movie! Senator Meyer may not be too thrilled, but let’s be honest, who needs privacy when you can have an intrusive government? And forget transparency, that’s for amateurs! These quasi-cops know how to keep a secret, with public employees facing jail time if they so much as breathe a word about an investigation.

But hey, it’s not all about snooping and secrecy. The Joint Legislative Commission on Governmental Operations in North Carolina is here to oversee the money being spent, “eliminating roadblocks” along the way. Because who needs checks and balances when you’ve got a gerrymandered legislative majority calling the shots? Transparency? That’s so last season! This commission means business, and if you don’t cooperate, well, let’s just say you might be facing dismissal, fines, or even jail time. Talk about a power trip!

Now, I know what you’re thinking – what’s next on the commission’s to-do list? Well, they’ve already had some interesting topics on the table, like federal funding tied to the COVID-19 pandemic and the role of the N.C. High School Athletic Association. But who knows what adventures await? Masks? Trans kids? It’s like a reality show, but without the fame and fortune.

In a world where travel ordinances and secret police forces exist, one thing is certain – the beauty and fashion industry better watch out. Who knows what crazy regulations and undercover agents they’ll come up with next? Will we need passports to buy lipstick? A secret handshake to enter a beauty salon? Anything is possible! Stay tuned, fashionistas, because the world of beauty and fashion is about to get a whole lot more exciting!

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Charles P. Pierce is the author of four books, most recently Idiot America, and has been a working journalist since 1976. He lives near Boston and has three children.