The Golden Rules for Happy Metamour Relationships: A Guide to Not Being the Worst

The Essential Guide to Nurturing Healthy Metamour Relationships 10 Golden Rules

10 Golden Rules for Healthy Metamour Relationships

Image Source: Margie Rischiotto/Getty Images

In the world of consensual non-monogamy (CNM), there’s a topic that often gets less attention than it deserves – the metamour relationship. Your metamour is your partner’s partner. They’re not your partner, but they’re an important part of your polycule. It’s like having a third wheel in your romantic escapades, but with extra complexity and a dash of drama. Think of it as jazz – sometimes harmonious and other times, well, a little off-key.

Now, before we dive into the 10 Golden Rules for Metamour Relationships, keep in mind that these rules are not set in stone. Metamour dynamics can range from hanging out like old friends to avoiding each other like the plague. You could have a metamour who’s closer than a sibling or one you’ve never met (and have no intention of meeting). The point is, there’s no wrong way to navigate these relationships as long as everyone is on the same page.

The Dos and Don’ts of Healthy Metamour Relationships:

1. Do: Relax Your Expectations

Every metamour relationship is a unique dance, and not everyone wants to do the tango. It’s important to remember that your metamour may have different desires and boundaries. They might want a close friendship or prefer a parallel existence. Let’s not salsa our way into demanding a specific type of relationship, shall we?

2. Do: Have a Good Attitude

No bad vibes on this dance floor! Approach your metamour with a positive mindset and a willingness to collaborate. Snark, side-eye, and BS have no place in the polycule. If you can’t at least play nice with your metamour, you might not be ready to cha-cha-cha in the world of polyamory.

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3. Don’t: Project Your Relationship Problems

Don’t be that person who blames their own relationship issues on their partner’s other partners. It’s like blaming your dance shoes for your poor moves. Take the time to see and understand your metamour as a separate individual. Humanize them, darling! Remember, they’re just another person who happens to have a special connection with your partner, not the cause of your insecurities.

4. Do: Set Explicit Boundaries

Ah, the beauty of boundaries. When you don’t clearly define your needs and desires, implicit expectations sneak in like a clumsy dancer. Avoid the blame game and communicate openly. Explicitly setting boundaries ensures everyone knows their moves, leading to a smoother dance routine in the polycule.

5. Don’t: Try to Manage Your Partner’s Other Relationships

You’re not the director of your partner’s romantic circus. Trying to control their other relationships is like attempting a pirouette with two left feet. Let your partner live their own life and focus on your own connection. If they’re not holding up their end of the dance routine, talk to them directly. Mind your own steps, and let the others find their own rhythm.

6. Do: Find the Real Source of the Problem (When Problems Arise)

Don’t salsa your way into blaming your metamour for issues that stem from your relationship. It’s like blaming the DJ for a bad breakup song. Take a step back and identify the true cause of the tension. Address it with empathy and honesty. Let’s fox-trot our way to better communication and understanding.

7. Don’t: Use Your Metamour to Gang Up On Your Partner

Dancing in sync with your metamour doesn’t mean you form a tag team against your partner. It’s not a dance battle! Focus on your own relationship and discuss any concerns directly with your partner. You don’t want your partner to feel overwhelmed or cornered. Keep the harmony intact and leave the drama at the door.

8. Do: Know That It’s Totally Okay to Be Friends With Your Metamours

Friendship, anyone? As long as boundaries are respected, having a friendship with your metamour is fantastic. It’s like having a dance partner who’s also your friend. By hanging out together, you can enjoy time with your mutual lover without having to split it like a not-so-tasty burrito. Spice up your polycule with some camaraderie!

9. Do: Address Romantic Feelings for Your Metamours

Sometimes, the music of love transcends partners and resonates with your metamour. If you find yourself falling for your metamour, don’t worry – it happens. But before you grab your rose petals and megaphone, have a heart-to-heart talk with your partner. Make sure everyone is on the same page and that no boundaries are crossed. Honesty, vulnerability, and open communication are the key dance steps here.

10. Don’t: Play Telephone With Your Metamour

When a problem arises between you and your metamour, avoid the game of telephone. Don’t let your partner act as the messenger pigeon. Instead, establish direct communication channels. Create a joint WhatsApp group or find your preferred method of contact. Let’s samba our way to clear communication and avoid any misunderstandings.

Armed with these sacred commandments of metamourship, you’re ready to pirouette your way into a happy and healthy consensually non-monogamous life. Remember, every dance has its ups and downs, its twirls and spins. Embrace the uniqueness of your metamour relationships, and may your polycule always flow gracefully!

Author: Gigi Engle, a COSRT-registered, GSRD-accredited sex and relationships psychotherapist, sex coach, sex educator, and writer

• metamours
• Non-monogamy
• open relationships
• polyamory